April Fools Letter from Author Ron Knight

To the staff at UP Authors & Brand Eleven Eleven, from Ron Knight: 

Let’s get something straight. I am the talent. Everything you do, should involve keeping me happy. People do not go to the UP Authors website because they want to hear about how the new intern has worked two hours this week and can now understand the difference between a blog and an email. People go to the website because of what I bring to the table. 

Knowing this, I feel a couple of adjustments need to be made by the entire staff. 

~ Install a blue carpet that goes from my car, to the building, and down the hallway into my office. Please make sure to use some sort of Egyptian carpet, so it is soft with each step I take. 

~ I would like everyone to address me as, “Ron Knight.” My name is a brand, which should be spoken likeIBM, or McDonald’s. For example, when I walk into the office, I expect everyone to say, “Hello, Ron Knight. How are things going with you?” Keep in mind that I may, or may not respond, depending on my mood. So if I just walk by without saying anything, you’ll have to understand that is what talented authors do. 

~ Every staff member should have a different one of my books in mind. Each day, the staff can take turns complimenting me on a novel. May I suggest that you put together a schedule so this daily compliment will not be missed. 

~ While writing, my neck gets a little stiff. Please hire a professional masseuse to rub the kinks out every seventeen minutes. Each session should last only four minutes. 

~ Every half-hour, assign someone to come into my office and say things like, “You are such an inspiration, Ron Knight. I love everything about you.” Once again, I may, or may not respond. 

~At 3:03each day, please have the entire staff line up at my office door and ask for my autograph. Also, talk to the neighboring businesses and convince their staff to join you in the line. They can bring their customers as well, but I do not want to spend more than twenty-two minutes signing autographs. You can have twenty-five to thirty people ready for this. And if they want to compliment me, just remind them to use my full name. Example, “Hey Ron Knight. I’ve read all of your books and loved each one in a different way.” (I can supply more examples of compliments if needed.) 

~ I would like the office to be kept at seventy-one degrees. Although I prefer the fresh air, I understand that you cannot control theFloridatemperatures. Perhaps you can purchase a “Fresh Air Fan” for my office. (Check out Brookstone and see if they have anything.) 

~ As for music, I only want to hear, “Pumped Up Kicks,” by Foster the People. No other song, or music will be permitted while I am in the building. Set the volume to number four during the morning, then increase the volume one notch per hour after lunch until my autograph session at 3:03, at which time you may turn off the music so I can properly hear the shower of compliments. 

~ I would like a Red Bull, or Monster energy drink on my desk at all times. I will not be drinking it, but I want it on display just incase a middle school, or high school fan stops by to ask for my autograph. I want them to think I’m hip. 

~ Provide a daily list of ten authors that are older than I am. (I’ll be 44 on August 22nd. Please have an extra long list ready for me on that day, along with a birthday party planned at Chuckie Cheese so I feel young.) 

~ Install orange tint lights in my office that I can flick on when needed, so it looks like I’m really tan. 

~ Hang a poster of Stephen King on the wall, with a caption that says, “I may be the King, but I’ll never be as good as Ron Knight

~ In all of my social media sites and blogs, please post compliments of how great I am. 

~ Never mention any other person that you work with, who is more popular than I am. For example, never, ever, mentionChris Lanein my presence. 

~ When I am stressed, I would like to relax while someone is reading one of my books aloud. If possible, please use that intern fromEngland, because she looks and sounds like J.K. Rowling, and I want my books to sound like they are worth billions of dollars. 

Meals I would like prepared when I’m in the office: 

Breakfast: Bacon, not very crispy, western omelet with American cheese inside and out, three fresh strawberries, and thirteen-grain toast with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and Smuckers grape jelly. (You might want to think about having an omelet chef on the staff, or training someone to cook like a professional. Perhaps one of the interns can learn, since they really do not help much anyway.) 

Snack: Nine roasted almonds with salt. Also, I like raisins, but they have to be from the box of Raisin Brand. I think eight raisins will do. Someone will have to pick them out and put them in a bowl. (Please keep separate from the almonds.) And M&M’s with all the brown ones removed. 

Lunch: I am an author, so I’m a creature of habit. I’ll go an entire month eating the same thing everyday. For the month of April, I would like grilled filet chicken, soaked in Italian Dressing, with iceberg lettuce, three Italian seasoned cherry tomatoes, and six Italian olives. (Please carefully remove the pits.) For desert, I would like you to purchase a large Hershey’s Dark Chocolate bar. However, I would like only three squares, which is one quarter of the bar. Please give the chocolate that is left over to one of the interns and mention that it is a special gift from Ron Knight. 

MiddaySnack: A smoothie, made to my specifications, which includes five fresh strawberries, one banana, ¼ cup of crushed ice, and a ¼ cup of low fat milk. Please slice the strawberries and banana into small pieces before putting into the smoothie. Also, I like it thick, so blend it for eleven seconds only. 

Drinks: Have the following ready at all times: Diet Coke in the two-liter bottles, crushed ice, and several Tervis Tumbler cups with a picture of my book cover. (It would be best if you had thirty different cups, each with a different picture of my books.) Also, I likeFijiwater, but keep in the bottle, because I think the bottle looks cool. 

And most importantly!!!!!!! 

Whenever I am in the office, all staff members and interns should wear T-shirts that say, “I Am Not Ron Knight.” 

Thanks for everything and have a great April Fools. 

Your Meal Ticket, 

Ron Knight

Brand Eleven Eleven: www.brand1111.com

Ron Knight

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  1. Great egocentric article by the Ron Knight who brands his friends!

    A word on your diet – lose the American Cheese – go for something a bit more healthy unless it is real cheese. Substitute I Can’t believe it’s not Butter for either the real thing in moderation or Smart Balance which is the only oleo that states it does not use the hydrogenated process. ICBINB does infer this so you may or may not be safe staying with this choice. The Bacon needs cutting back, but it’s the nitrates that’s the killer in that deal.

    Your grilled chicken sounds wonderful but lose the iceberg lettuce – it, like white bread, has no nutritional value and can give you diarrhea. The white bread strips your body of nutrients. Enough said.

    The aspartame and salt content and carbonation in the Diet Coke will help with giving high blood pressure, weight gain but you will be well preserved when you finally kick off, so that’s your call.

    Other than that, the smoothie and nuts, candy in moderation, shriveled grapes, masseuse sound like a go.

    Oh yes, please put me at the top of your list – I am 22 years older than you.

    And, just one more thing – thanks for all you really do do {no pun} for us writers… oops, authors. ~Paula Shene find me on the net http://www.pshene.webs.com/ with my kid’s series The Chronicles of The K-9 Boys and Girls on Locus Street with Mandy The Alpha Dog leading the pack and first in the series or Paula Louise Shene for my adult fare {absolutely nothing naughty} also pushing other authors on http://www.paulandpaulasplace.blogspot.com, and The Peacock Writers, a group of us who write stories and poems for children to raise money for childrens’ charities.